I love my former pastor, and believe with all my heart he loved me and cared for me while I attended the SGM church. I believe he still wants what is best for me, and did then, as you can clearly see from his emails. The problem was one of ownership though. The church didn’t own me, but I didn’t know that at the time. And apparently they didn’t either.

However, the fact remains that I truly was convicted of idolatry (not something petty and that is not very serious, but outright idolatry and replacement of God in my life) and was confused as to why I could not break from it. I believe my pastor really did not and does not understand how this could be, because he was so entrenched in the same idolatrous system.  But if you read my posts, you see there comes a time that I do find blame with SGM, even if I didn’t realize the “connection” initially.

I have said it so many times before: this is not about SGM specifically or my church specifically. (While I post my real name, I did not post the name of my former church) It is about finding freedom. These posts, made at the beginning of my journey out of the church, show what I was feeling at the time: fear, confusion, defensivess, anger, bitterness, hurt. In the months since leaving the Lord has brought about a wonderful change in my heart, and if I did not share that you may think I still feel the same as when this was written.

I am no longer angry at SGM, my pastors, my friends, the church or anyone. I praise God for them in fact, and have no regrets about my time there. They were a blessing. But many of them are also deceived in some ways, and so I pray for them, and I love them. I truly do. And it was only once I worked through “who’s to blame” (which was no one really) that I realized I had forgiven and had been set free. Today I can honestly say I could (and have had) a conversation with my former senior pastor and not be in fear of what he thought, and I could freely express my concerns to him. There was a time I could not do that. I so wanted to impress him, and I was obsessed with what he thought of me because I idolized the church and SGM. So praise God for His work of grace in my life. One day at a time. Once the body of ideas pushing these teachings is identified, then one can begin to replace the lies with truth, and be set free. That is the process I have undertaken the last several months, but was only beginning to happen when I wrote these emails.

Here is the series of emails that were exchanged between my senior pastor and I in the days that followed. All this took place in April 2008, less than two months ago. Again, names changed. I bolded some of his comments that troubled me especially, even then…looking back now, 6 months later, they still concern me.

Thanks for your letter— I have missed you, but I was told that you were gone on your job and to visit your sister. I only want you to follow the Lord and to be led by His Word and Spirit. I would be less than caring if I did not point out a few things. If you follow your logic, I hope that you never see (your son) as an idol in your life—-you would abandon him. If you marry and the relationship becomes idolatrous by your definition, you would be able to justify divorce. These are not Godly ways to deal with our problem areas. The tendency to idolize is within, not without. Geographical change will not deal with the real issue.
The local church is the passion of the Lord Jesus Christ. He gave Himself up for His church. He came to build His church so that even the gates of hell could not prevail against it. The church represents the presence of Jesus in the world. We are the Body of Christ. We really do need each other, more than we know. I am asking you to reconsider your conclusions. They do not ring true to me, although I deeply respect you and certainly want to trust the Lord in you. I believe that you need a work of God’s grace to draw you back into a right relationship with Him. To walk away from the church at this point will no doubt bring the very opposite of what you hope for. This is not because the church is infallible, nor because of any weird controlling spirit desiring to dominate people’s lives. I fully believe that you know that we have your heart in mind, not an institution. In a sincere effort to care for your soul, I hope that you will call me or come by— I want to speak with you and to try to do for you what others have done for me at so many difficult points in my life— exalt the Savior and find in Him the answers we need.
Love in Christ,

(So was he implying that only through his counsel I can find answers? I thought I had made myself clear that I WAS seeking answers and was finding them. Surely God had revealed much to me already by this time.)

I responded with this:

Pastor XXXXXX,thank you for your response – I was gone all last week and was also visiting my sister. I only let Mary and Sally know I would not be coming back on Sundays last Monday. They were the only people I felt I needed to give an explanation to, aside from you two obviously. Thank you for your advice to consider the areas you mentioned. I want you to know I didn’t make this decision lightly, or without much heartache. I agree that the problem is within me, and not able to change with geography. I know this is an issue of sin that was not dealt with when I left (my former church before my SGM church) and it just came to (my SGM church) with me. I had considered that perhaps just some time away from the temptation to “perform” would be enough. I don’t plan not to attend Sunday services at all, but planned to go elsewhere for a while where nobody knows me and I can just worship and learn without having to struggle so much with what others think of me. I miss that. And of course to continue attending the (other care group). I had no intention of isolating myself or adopting some sort of monastic lifestyle so as to avoid my sin :) I’ve been taught better than that these few years. I know the importance of the Body all too well, which is why I have struggled so much. I need the Body, but I need Christ first. I replaced Christ with the Body, and have suffered as a result. Needing the Body but not needing Christ has really served to develop a horrible legalistic mindset in me. I want to get back to needing Him first, being able to hear from Him, and being led by the Spirit. I honestly don’t know how to do that at the church anymore. Have you ever had anyone struggle with these things? What is the way through?I would like to talk with you sometime, either in person or on the phone. It doesn’t matter to me which, although in person I would have to schedule some time later rather than sooner. Just let me know what works better for you.thank you again,

then he responded:

Jesus is passionate for His church. If we are passionate for His church, we are passionate for Him. If the roles are confused in your mind, let the Word of God bring the order needed.I have honestly never had anyone with such a situation as you pose. I do not believe that you understand the true issues. Perhaps , though, it would be wise to take special care in one regard especially: I would be very careful about the danger of becoming dispassionate about the very thing that Jesus is the most passionate about—that for which He died, that for which He laid down His life, that for which He intercedes, that for which He came to form, His bride for which He will return. I tell you in all honesty and love that I believe that you are wrong in your understanding of the situation. I wish that I had the place in your life where you would at least give me the benefit of the doubt and receive these warnings and course corrections. When you speak up in groups or home meetings or anywhere else, I certainly do not believe that people are listening and talking about you. I am not sure where such a concern about what people are thinking comes from unless it is just a pride issue. I do not mean to be harsh, but honest for the glory of God. Please try to hear my heart even if my efforts to communicate are wanting.

so I responded:

I am passionate about the church, but the problem is, I am not so passionate about Christ Himself anymore. So I guess I don’t understand what you mean by saying if I have passion for one I will have passion for the other. That has not been my experience, but if Scripture says that is the order of things, (passion for Church results in a passion for Christ) then I’d like to know where I went wrong. When I was born again, my passion was for Jesus, my Savior, not the Church. I knew nothing of the Church, how it worked, why it was created, what purpose, etc. My passion for the church has come only in the last two years. And as my passion for the church has grown my passion for Christ has diminished. That has been my experience anyway. I don’t want to interpret Scripture based on my experience, so I will study some on this and rethink things if necessary. I’m certainly open to correction.
If I’ve learned one concept from (the SGM church) it is that of balance, I think it was in Proverbs when it said to avoid all extremes, right? I need both a love for Christ and His Body. Too much of one and not the other isn’t good I am becoming to understand. I think not uniting oneself with a local Body is harmful spiritually, but not being able to have a personal passion for Christ is also harmful. The former results in zeal without knowledge or accountability which leads one into pride and foolishness, and the latter results in legalism and idolatry, void of the Spirit. Both extremes are wrong I think. I have been experiencing the latter, and am now trying to find the balance. I desire accountability and support from the Body, but the Body should understand my temptations to blindly follow them and not seek the Lord. I need people to constantly challenge me to go to His Word, stay in prayer, etc.

I do love the Body, especially the Body at (my SGM church). I am not trying to get to the point where I have no passion for the Church, I absolutely agree with you and appreciate your reminder that Christ died for the Church and the place it holds in Scripture. But He also died for me, personally. I’ve gotten to the point where these people who I love so much influence me more than the Lord does. It became easier to go to others, and not the Word. Easier to seek counsel rather than pray about things. Because I loved and trusted (still do) the Body.

I do realize I am treading on dangerous ground here, and I do receive your warnings. I don’t desire to be out on my own spiritually, or not connected with a local church. I want to have a healthy relationship with the Body. As I’ve confessed these sins and struggles with you and others, it has brought peace, and I’ve felt closer to the Lord and not as dependent on the Body for all my needs.

When I was reading the book by David Powlison “Seeing with New Eyes”, he takes Psalm 131 in one chapter and flips it around – it is a Psalm about David’s peace, and the author’s point was that if you lack peace (which I was) it is due to “noise” in your soul. He suggests reading the Psalm as sort of an opposite, or anti-psalm, so instead of it reading “Lord, my heart is not proud, and my eyes are not haughty, and I do not go after things too difficult for me. Surely I have composed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child on his mother…Isreal hope in the Lord now and forever.” If you flip the Psalm you will discover why we would not have peace and it would read:

“Self, my heart is proud (I’m absorbed in myself), and my eyes are haughty (I look down on other people), and I chase after things too great and too difficult for me. So of course I am noisy and restless inside, it comes naturally, like a hungry infant fussing on his mother’s lap, I scatter my hopes onto anything and everybody all the time.”

I read that chapter and Psalm a few months back and it really showed me the reason I was always stressed, anxious, worrying what others think about me (even if they said nothing, which I doubt they did). It was idolatry. And the more I’ve realized it, the more at peace I have become. This is all my fault, because I gave that power and control to others, they didn’t take it from me or ask me for it. And nobody knew I was worshipping the Body, and not Christ.

I know this sounds horrible. And it is. It is an ugly sin. I’m still shocked by how much like a Galatian I have become. After having begun in the Spirit, I am trying to perfect myself in the flesh. I have become a people pleaser.

thanks again for your responses…

 

finally, he responded with this email:

I suspect that the way you are thinking you would never have been present to hear Paul’s letter to the Galatians being read to the congregation.

And that was it. We stopped communicating for a while after this. Apparently I had irritated him and his sarcasm came out rather strongly. I’ll post the other comments from my other pastor, which were MUCH more disturbing, in another post.